Monday, July 10, 2006

Effing mood

I know, I'm in a mess, a liability.

At one level, you could say that I successfully dropped my super- clean character by getting a drink and drug problem. But at another, it was obvious that this was not part of any kind of strategy; as I’d pop my head up from beneath the bar table and garble something incoherent. My buddies knew I was a sad girl, pretending to be a girl, really because when I was sober, I was a sensitive vulnerable individual.

When I smash things up, there is usually a reason. When you find me wandering around your house at six in the morning on various cocktails of drugs, there is usually a reason too. It’s not just because I wanted to party, often it’s because I’ve snapped under the strain, and maybe even disturbed.

From the outside it’s easy to see; “spoilt, pampered kid throwing wobbler” but I’m hearing alarm bells. There’s a difference between a prat acting like a rockstar, and a sensitive person going into meltdown. To the outsider like you, it may look the same: the archetypal egomaniacal bitch having her daily tantrum. But actually dude, there’s a difference.

Y’see, when I’m half- pickled, it helps me survive and it stops me addressing the real issues.

So, please man, let me be.

I appreciate the efforts but no, you can’t save me.




- Chacun à son gout -

6 Comments:

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Jigs said...

To the outsider like you, it may look the same: the archetypal egomaniacal bitch having her daily tantrum. But actually dude, there’s a difference.

I love this line. I've felt the same way. sometimes, you just want to be alone and any effort from any body is useless. I feel like exploding and breaking down. only you can make it right.

 
At 12:57 PM, Blogger jae said...

I know, I'm in a mess, a liability.

My buddies knew I was a sad girl, pretending to be a girl, really because when I was sober, I was a sensitive vulnerable individual.

So, please man, let me be.



I just have to give it to you for putting down what I've been trying to scream all this time. You got it out in words.

Kudos.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger xienah said...

ok ka lang po ba?
sabihin mo lang
kung kailangan mo
ng something o someone.
heehee.

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger shadowlane said...

deep...

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Nat said...

there is after all, reason behind every aspect about one's behavior. psychology explains that a certain event in the past may have triggered a particular behavior that gives an individual some form of relief. thus, habits form.
_______________________________
thanks for visiting. yeah sure, let's link each other up. i find your entries very interesting :)

the "toilet theater" is actually just a blog for random thoughts... my main blog is:

http://natalisms.blogspot.com
i'll link you up at this site :)

feel free to visit either.
hope to hear more from you...

~ nat (http://toilettheater.blogspot.com)

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger teepsee said...

jigs: salamat at naka-relate ka naman. hehehe. kala ko, i'l regret posting this.

jae: have to release all the bad vibes na eh. baka lalo ako masiraan. hahaha.

xienah: bibigay mo sa akin if ever sabihin ko sa 'yo kung ano gusto ko? hahaha. kidding. thanks sa pagdaan :)

reych: sh*t? hahaha :p

doc nat: sabi nga nung doctor, disturbed daw ako. oh well. haha. linked you up already :)

 

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